Growing Up

As an infant, I don’t remember stopping to have the thought, “Oh, I’m so excited to take this big step in switching to solid food. I’m such a big girl now.” I’m pretty sure I just proceeded to eat whatever blended or mashed thing came my way on a spoon. Although, I’m also fairly sure that my graduation to sugary things on my first birthday was still a big deal in my baby mind.

But now, at 25, I sit here and think, “This is a pretty adult age, right? The time has already passed to start doing adult things and be mature.” So I grew up and figured out how to pay taxes, apartment shop, switch insurances, and balance my time. I traveled. I experienced the world. I’ve had several jobs in varying companies and communities. I’ve done stuff.

Now, I’m in a new place with new people and new demands on my time and finances. And my overwhelming big and awe-inspiring God has said, “Look at how mature you have become and here is a glimpse of further maturity I’m instilling in you.”

That is an incredible gift that did not have to be given to me. I could continue going along and growing and changing and being with God without prompting. And yet, over this past month, God has shown me how much I’ve grown and how much further I have to go.

Being in a new place has given me the opportunity to be the latest version of myself. To be with new people who cannot compare me to the girl that I used to be. And while not all of being here has been positive (because transition never plays fair), it has been completely amazing to make friendships where people have reflected back to me my own love for Christ. Where I’ve had the opportunity to hear some feedback about how my inner love for God is positively affecting my outer life and my outer relationships. Do you know how good it is to hear that I’ve matured? And that other mature people want to be around me, listen to me, and pour back into me to further what they see?

And the best part is that God has given me a glimpse of what is to come. Almost a syllabus for my spiritual life along with all the syllabi for my classes that I’ve been reading through.

He has told me, so clearly, that this is a season of growth for me. And the last month alone is proof of that. It is a time for application and consistency and self-control. A time to apply and test how the inner fruits of the spirit affect the people and world around me.

There will be failures. There already have been. But there have also been triumphs. Opportunities for me to choose the mature way to react to hurtful situations. To turn to God when my world is rocking. To build relationships with other strong people and affect them well while they affect me well in return. To build a community where I participate instead of just listen. Where I am poured into and get to pour out to others in return.

These are biblical pictures that I am getting to experience in a completely new way. And it is a picture of maturing spiritually that I never expected to get to see. A small piece of the big picture to place my hope in. A God that does not have to reward obedience, but has chosen to do so in this case. And it is completely and absolutely amazing to me.

So I hope others get a chance to look around their lives and start picking out the fruits of their inner worlds. Take a look at how a relationship or situation is proof of your growth with God. Because it is worth having a picture of.

On Saturdays, We Figure Out How to Do Life

Lately, I’ve had a streak of waking up at 3 or 4am and just being up. Up with my mind revolving around how I’m going to make it here, the people I’ve met recently who swept me away in Godly love, how much I love some people (closely followed by calculations of exactly how far most of them are away from me, some in distance and some in other ways).

And I pray.

I lay there and ask God to remind me that it’s okay and that he is bigger than my issues. And sometimes, it takes a few hours. Hours that have piled up into days, and months, and years, dating back to age 18 when I decided God’s way was the only real way for me to live (and not just to believe in).

Then I get up, make coffee, and read my Bible.

There are things we know and there are things we feel. Sometimes it takes a while for both of those things to happen so that we really understand what is going on in our worlds. Part of that “God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth” thing [John 4:24].

So here is my usual progression into being okay.

I ask: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” [James 1:5]

He grants the supernatural peace that makes things okay even when it doesn’t make sense for them to be okay: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. Ant the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 4: 6-7]

And then the peace leads me into the stillness, where I am reminded that God matters so much more than my problems ever could: “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” [Psalm 46:10]

So that I can be grateful that my problems brought me back to God (again): “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” [James 1:2-4]

And I can focus on being more like him and less like myself: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” [Philippians 2:3]

Hope this works for someone else too, because I couldn’t get by without it. And I am so much better for it all.

 

Counseling

Sometimes moving gives me the blues. Just unexplainable days of “I’m cranky and sad and I don’t know why.” And on those days, I talk to Jesus. I tell myself the story of the Bible and remind myself where my hope lies. I tell him about all of the things that I’m grateful for and excited about so that I can renew my mind and look at those things that are worthy of excellence, and think of those things. Because, after all, one of the attributes of God is that he is the great Counselor.

This week, I registered for the first classes I’ll take in my Master’s program (Masters of Clinical Health Counseling). After years of thinking, “Someday, I’ll be a counselor,” I’m starting the road to becoming certified to DO what I’ve always wanted to do. And I am incredibly excited about it. I don’t regret my choices to travel and teach by any means, but I am happy to get started with this thing that I have been looking forward to for so long.

In fact, the delay has made me even more grateful and even more ready to counsel. Because counseling is the opportunity to share tools that are a means of change for people who would like to / need to change. When I was overseas, I had the opportunity to teach a few biology lessons. I spent time in a sea of people who had never had the opportunity to understand their own bodies before. And as we saw ladies come to understand how babies grow inside of them and how life is formed and the value of that life, it overwhelmed me by how privileged I am to be educated. For someone to have taught me how my own body and mind works. For someone to have shown me that other places and other people exist and that not only should try I to understand myself, but I should put effort into understanding the emotional and physical struggles that others might face. We watched as people came to understand that the babies grew inside of them in their own protective sac, that a baby is a baby as soon as its conceived, and we watched them change some of their decisions based on this new information. And months later, we learned that one of the women in the class worked overnights cleaning a hospital and had shared her newfound knowledge with young mothers who came to the hospital at night to have an abortion. Tiny lives got to keep on living because she was able to teach them something new.

Mental health can be harder in so many ways. I have had people tell me that mental disorders were made up, didn’t make sense, or were people being too weak to realize that God can handle their problems. Regardless of those opinions, understanding yourself and trying to make changes is still pretty prevalent. That is why God offered to be our Counselor when he was also offering to be our Sacrifice, our Father, our Savior, and our Lord.  And as we are all gifted differently to be able to work as different parts of the body, I am so looking forward to identifying more with God’s ability and desire to be a Counselor. To participate in God’s work by being a display of one of his pieces of character. And after focusing on all of that for a while, I am absolutely past being cranky this morning.

 

A Grand Design

My life has been a series of moving, building relationships, moving again, going to school, falling in love with people and with God, moving AGAIN, traveling, living with strangers and making them family, living with family and making sure they don’t become strangers, and now (yet again), moving. And in every place, God has been there and a community has been built around me. So now I’m in a brand new place, with a new job, and trying out a new church, remembering all of the communities God has always given me no matter where in the world I have gone. Sitting here praying that he is carving out a place here for me to fill up and belong to for an indiscriminant amount of time.

And so far, I’ve found friends from high school, college, and my time overseas have popped up here in this little town in the middle of America (that before I moved here was a big blank space on the map in my mind). And slowly, slowly, I’m getting to know my new church and my new coworkers, and it’s been really good.

But, of course, there are a few drawbacks to moving as well. Mine is usually that I have WAY too much time on my hands to listen to lies whispered in the dark. And remembering God’s faithfulness in my past is one of the strongest ways to get over that. I’m an over thinker. It’s a problem. I sit in the quiet and hear how I’m not worth the new relationships I’m building, and that I won’t succeed in a new place where I have to start all over. I hear that I’m still single because I’m not a good enough person for a good man. And yet, seeing the big plan, the grand design, says otherwise.

So many people I know don’t believe in that at all, but what other than a master plan with a Master designer could take a very human 20 something with opening up issues and show her that all along the path of her life, she has collected loving people who are praying for her transition now. Because in the last few weeks, I have had people who are now living all over the world tell me that they are thinking of me and praying for me as I move again. And to see how all of those lives connect and affect each other is nothing short of an incredible gift from an incredible God. That’s why the word is INcredible. Moving becomes a lot less terrifying when God not only tells you that it is exactly his plan for you, but that he uses the mouths of others to confirm that thought over and over again. Because since I’ve come here, people have told me that I am supposed to be here, that its fate, that they are glad I came to fill an empty space in one way or another. And those have been answers to the questions I asked to no one but the only one I trusted to answer me honestly.

It’s another time God has shown up and made his word real to me. His words that promise that he has a plan to help me and not to harm me. And that he is doing what needs to be done to get his work and his plan accomplished. And that I am not alone while he uses me to do that. No matter where in the world those other people are. And that his purpose for moving me is so that I could affect new places and new people, and that they could affect me. The Grand Design appears yet again.

 

P.S. Writing it all out really helps me to focus on the truth and it gets me out of my head long enough to get there. Thank you all for participating in me figuring out how to do all of this living for Jesus stuff I’ve been learning the past few years.

Honestly

Tonight, a friend and I were talking about what it’s like to come home again after living overseas. We talked about how it’s different from what people expect it to be, and how the honest truth is that we are people that aren’t exactly to be expected either when you say you went over there for the reasons we went over there. You say the “M” word, and many people have an idea of what kind of person that must make you.

So here is an extremely honest list of what I learned while living overseas, how it changed me, and who I am now.

• I am human and I’m not very good at it.
  • I have seen sides of myself that I didn’t know existed before. I have been tempted, frustrated, rude, argumentative, and angrier than I ever thought I had the capacity to be. I went over there to work and to teach, which I loved, but I also went so that God could show me the depths of my own spirit and how much crap was in it.
  • He forced me into situations where I could learn some extremely difficult things. Things like learning humbly in the midst of total ignorance, admitting when I’m wrong, and trying to make things right. Doing things for him even if I hate them or they are embarrassing. Working through the hardest parts of relationships to keep them going when I would have otherwise given up. You know, all those hard things that make you better at life, but are so difficult to learn.
• I may be bad at doing life, but God isn’t.
  • He may have brought me there to show me how low I could go. And he did. Over and over again. But in the midst of that, he rooted in me this desperate need to constantly rely on who he is. On his power, his unshakable compassion and mercy, his understanding, his depths of forgiveness. Only by seeing how far I could fall, could I also see how far he lifts me up each day.
• That being human every day, means I need him every day.
  • I did learn to pray constantly. I have learned not just to pray about my life and the people in it, but to pray for them. That the more I read his word, the more I know who he is, and the more I want to be with him when this life ends. And that was something I needed desperation to figure out.
• Temptation is still relevant.
  • Yes, I love Jesus. Yes, I do my best to follow who he is. But there are so many things I want out of the world. There are still things I want to do, even when I know they aren’t the best decisions to make. My friends like to joke that I am more moral than most. And really, it’s just not true. I just have a harder time talking about it. And I still make mistakes, all the freaking time. And I really do believe that God loves me anyway.
• Working for him works for me
  • It makes me feel useful. It allows me to be valuable in an eternal way that nothing down here can beat. And when I work for him, when I live and love for him, it really does make a difference in the lives of those around me.
  • But again, that’s mostly him living through me after my literal “come to Jesus moment” when I realized he is much better at life than I am.
• It’s okay that I’m not perfect.
  • Those of you who know me also know that the more I hurt, the more I try to look like I have it all together. And God had to show me that it’s okay to hurt and be broken and it’s okay to show that to people. Truth be told, I’ve been a bit of a mess lately. I’m not very good at opening up. I only have a few people around that I feel I can really express myself to and to feel comfortable with (and to share my faults with). But God keeps telling me he knows that and it’s okay. I needed it to be okay.
• I’m going back
  • I’m not sure when or where or who with, but I do know that I’m going.

Home Again

It’s been three months since I’ve come home, and probably way pasted the time I should have let people know how I’m doing. The answer is strangely. There are plenty of days I still can’t believe that I’m home and plenty more I just can’t believe I’m gone. I’ve had time to create a surprisingly normal day-to-day life here. I got a job, bought a car, went on some dates. Still looking up graduate schools. But the next steps have looked nothing like I expected them to be. They are slow. They didn’t include a job I love or a guy or work on Sundays or a delay in graduate school. Things that I love and that I’m enjoying, but still things I’m not sure how to handle some days.

And then I remember that I’m different than the last time I was here. Different from the last time I worked in America, dated, or lived in my parent’s house. And the different girl settling back into an old normal is unsettling in itself. In fact, it’s something I keep reminding myself that I don’t have to do at all. That since the day I found God, my life has been completely new every day as I’m renewed in who he is. As Alice once said, “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

There are days that I love being here and days that I’m homesick for South Asia. Many days where I try to figure out how both of those girls came together to create the third one who lives in America now, but couldn’t figure out how to tell an older lady to use SnapChat at work the other day, because I had no idea how. And I am constantly figuring out how to reconcile the girl who didn’t feel like a good person, but had a strong daily relationship with God with the girl here who often feels like an optimistic person again, but is struggling to uncover that heartfelt joy of being in service.

It’s all coming together a bit every day. It’s different every day. God is still good and I am still his every day. But being home again is so much more than I ever expected it to be, just like I was constantly warned it would be. And it’s good to know that I’m not the only one going through that.

Counting the Cost

“Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, ‘If anyone comes to me and does not hate this own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.” – Luke 14:25-33

“Counting the cost” has been a popular phrase in both my life and the church recently. Attempting to understand what it means to follow the Son wholeheartedly, knowing that many people give up everything, including their lives, to do so. It was something I thought about as I left for this adventure. It’s something I’m thinking about even more as I think about coming home. Book after book and speech after speech encourage believers to give everything up to follow the Father. To be willing to use their resources for him, to change their lifestyles and prayer habits, and to recognize their sin for what it is. But those aren’t the things I’ve been thinking about as I consider what it means to count the cost.

The past two years have been a unique opportunity which allowed me to focus on glorifying and being with the Father. They have changed me. They have opened my eyes to many different things and a completely different mindset as I work to consider not just myself, but the many different cultures and peoples that inhabit the world. In my mind, coming here in the first place was being obedient, but coming home involves counting the cost.

It was difficult to leave my life behind the first time. To leave opportunities and people I love and my education in psychology. Coming home to those things sounds incredible. And it will be. But it is also an opportunity for me to count the cost as I come home to this old place with a new heart. To leave my culture and loved ones was hard, but coming back to them? Coming back to fashion and access to lots of books and entertainment and pressure to be like the world that could greatly have an effect on me? Now I’m counting the cost of what it means to come home and be His and not my own. To love him so much as to hate the things and people that I’ve missed and longed for. To get back to a life where people expect me to go to graduate school, get married, get a job, and stay put. And while I do plan on doing many of those things (…. I did not say all), I intend on doing them specifically for the glory of the Father, which probably won’t look like what many people expect it to. It is easy to renounce all that I had when all that I had was 8,000 miles away. But to renounce temptation and distraction it while it’s in front of me? Now we are talking about really counting costs. While my strategy may change, my heart and my intent to share the Good News with others will not. My boldness will not fade upon being comfortable again. I intend to continue carrying my cross and coming after Him. And it’s going to look a lot different than it used to.

“To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him the greatest human achievement.” –Augustine of Hippo

This is a quote that I love. A quote that has genuinely taken over my life since coming here. And one that I intend to hold onto as I go home. Coming home will be amazing. Seeing everyone and shopping and eating good food and going to graduate school are going to be incredible. I cannot wait to do those things. I cannot wait to make new connections, continue old ones, and forge on ahead with life. I just think that as I count of the cost of doing those things to the glory of the Father, it’ll be different than I could have ever expected. And I am so excited about that.

Lives Touched

Over my time as a believer, Paul and I have had a complex relationship. As I’ve gotten to know him through his writing, my opinion of him has been constantly changing. At first, I didn’t like him at all. I grew haughty every time I read a new command, probably because his words were convicting and showing me the depravity of my heart. Nobody wants to be friends with the person that points out their sin, yet how much do we desperately need those people in our lives who lovingly correct us, comparing our lives to that of the Savior’s words. So as I read Paul’s books, I was convicted, which led to changing my thoughts and behaviors. Then I began to understand him, then to identify with him, and now, as a teacher in my own right, I empathize with him a great deal. Don’t get me wrong, I have never experienced the particular hardships that he has gone through, but I do love teaching the word and I have been deeply affected by those in my life who also love the Father. I understand the sentiments he expresses over and over again in his letters, thanking the Father for his fellow believers.

I feel so privileged to get to teach. To constantly spend time with the Father as I learn his ways and his words and to implement those things in my own life. To model for my students what I hope to be teaching them. And yet, how often have people done that for me as well.

I am often reminded of my nothingness. The idea that I am only worth the light of the Father that lives inside of me, and that before that, I was nothing. I am nothing still. A clear vase full of who he is and I pray that he is all that people see in me. I often fail him in that regard. Yet, I try. And I am astounded by the incredible people who have come into my life, showing me the same thing. People who are so trying to be like him that they have inspired me and shaped me, especially since coming onto the field. People that I went to college with, people I met in Florida, people I met since being here, people I’ve met on vacation. People who may have only been in my life for a short time, but seriously impacted me by reflecting the values of the Son. Not only his love, but also his discipline.

There are people that I think of often and those of whose memory I pull out sparingly, yet all of them have so impacted my thoughts and heart in the name of the Son that I can truly say I value and love them. I am so, so thankful for all of you who have poured into me and prayed for me and been part of my life over these last four or five years. And the more people I meet, the more I am changed. You may never know how deeply your conversations and actions affected me, yet I know and carry that around every day that I live, and I am so thankful for that. Seeing and admiring many of you has motivated me to be all that I can for others, hopefully so that I can impact them in the same way. And all I can say to you is thank you.

Addicted to Life

I’ve always used this blog to be honest about my experiences living overseas; the good and the bad, the heartbreaking and the spirit renewing, the lessons learned and the growth graciously bestowed upon someone so undeserving as myself. This will be no different.

It’s coming closer and closer. The countdown on my kindle spends its days ticking away the seconds until I get on a plane to come home. Back to America where I was born and raised, first loved and first saved. Everyone knows. People send me messages asking about the date and time and place. My parents are bombarded with questions about how quickly the time has seemed to go by and aren’t they happy I’ll be home again. (My mother’s responses? Ummm, not really, that was a long two years and of course!) Can I tell you what I really think of that? What I really think of coming home?

Excited. Sad. Conflicted. Overwhelmed. Concerned. Elated. Loved. And while I may have used the term “afraid” a few months ago, that’s not the case anymore. There are a hundred feelings to be felt and a hundred thoughts to be sifted through as I think about what it will be like to be back at home. But there are only a few worth sharing.

1. It’s weird. I genuinely don’t remember what it’s like to walk down a clean street with no animals running around on the road. What it’s like to sit in a church with more than 30 people in it at a time. What it’s like to walk down a street or sit in a coffee shop and not be stared at. (Or to be able to go to a coffee shop and get really good coffee at all.) I don’t know what is playing on the top 40 list or what clothes are fashionable. I have no idea what it’ll be like to be back in a country where people will hug every day. I know food I used to love may make me sick and that I’ll occasionally be awkward and that I’ll have to ask questions about random words that have popped up since I’ve been gone. (Seriously guys, I had to google what “bae” meant because that one was new.) But I can’t wait to be back with the people I love and to figure it all out again. Just bare with me if I’m a little weird for a while.
   

   ---

2. I worry about being judgmental. I mean, I’m coming from one of the most conservative places in an already conservative country back to a Florida beach during tourist season. I worry that the enemy will use opportunities of culture shock to instill pride and superiority in a spirit that the Father just spent so long cleaning out (not that I don’t still deal with these issues). I worry that I’ll walk into the church that I used to love and not know how to handle the rock concert that is worship after sitting in small house churches with prayerful believes for the last two years. I worry that I’ll crawl onto my high horse unknowingly and hurt the people I love who have not been able to experience life in a third world country. And yet, I am somewhat satisfied that I’m worrying about it. Hopefully, with the intent to be on guard against such darkness creeping into my life. Because the truth is, I love Asia and I love America. Both have their problems, but both are also being worked in by the King, and my only role is to be a light wherever I go.
   

   ---

3. I am so privileged. Recently, I picked up a copy of Radical by David Platt. I know, I know, always late to the game, but in this case, I’m grateful for it. Reading it before I came here would have been motivating, no doubt, but reading it as my time comes to a close is even more encouraging and exciting than I would have expected. To read these ideas and to see how the Father has painstakingly taught me many of the points DP discusses in this book. Knowing the same HS impressed these ideas on more than just one believer. Now, Radical is a reinforcement of the things I’ve learned instead of the teacher. I particularly like one quote:“This is how [the Father] works. He puts his people in positions where they are desperate for his power, and then he shows his provision in ways that display his greatness.” I love this. I love this so, so much, because it has been an overwhelming theme in my life here. A grand response to my previous prayers to be taught humility, better understand the word, and to become more like the Son. That he used many of these situations to show me the true depravity of my heart, my desperation for a Savior, and, despite my sin, I can still be used for the glory of the one I love. I have had this amazing privilege to experience situations where he is clearly at hand. Experiences where he is in charge and I am nothing but a bystander and occasionally a mouthpiece. That is completely addicting and I am hooked. The strange part of this is knowing that I’ve been afforded opportunities that some of my friends have not. In seeing how my friends have grown and I have grown and that they are not at all the same and sometimes I don’t know how to handle that. Hopefully, so that we can share knowledge later and sharpen each other. But the joy and the addiction of being part of this? That is where my last point comes in…
   

   ---

4. I love being here and I will be sad to leave. I love the people and their willingness to face persecution to share life with their families and friends. I love teaching. I love the discussions I have with our students about the Word. I love praying for people. I love being used. I love a job that gives me several hours of each day to study the word and just be with the Father. To plainly see where I fall short and where he is growing me anew (which happens often). I love growing with my roommates and getting to talk about all of these things with them. I love sharing, I love being able to speak a new language. I love seeing him here, when for so long, I was blinded to his presence in this country (mostly by my attitude). And something I dearly look forward to is speaking and getting to share all of these things with the people who have supported me while I’ve been away. I hope to share my love for the church united and to introduce many of you to the stories of sisters and brothers you have never met.

Of course I’m excited to come home and see all of you. My spirit is going to be overflowing with gratitude and excitement and love. I cannot wait to see how your lives have changed, for you to see the changes in mine, and for us to fit back again into each other’s lives in a completely new way (knowing that our relationships will not be as they once were). But I am also a bit heartbroken to leave. Tearful to say goodbye to my students, friends, and roommates. Totally at a loss to know how I will handle coming back home, but also knowing that this will be a continuation of the Father’s lessons on how he is glorified when I am not capable or ready to handle the situations that come my way. Confused? Me too. It’s quite a jumble of emotion. But there is so much glory to the Father found in all of this, how could I possibly be afraid?

A Bad Day Redeemed

My job has shaped me more in the last year and a half than I could have imagined before moving overseas. Not entirely because of what I do or what I teach, but because every day is spent in the Father’s presence (or in the knowledge that I’m not in His presence as I should be). Being here is hard. Emotion is messy. The enemy is real. The Father is good. All short, simple, and astounding things to realize. And as clearly as I can, with the mess that inner turmoil can be, I want to give you a glimpse into one particularly bad day and how the Father redeemed it for His glory.

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matt 5:16).

This is our purpose, to shine our light and let Him be known through our actions. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that my bad attitude or irrational emotional rant was a good thing. I think it was selfish and silly and crazy. However,

“Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through [the Son]” (Romans 5:20-21).

As Paul goes on to say, this is not an excuse to sin, for when we chose to follow the Son we died to sin and became slaves to righteousness. However, this is also a picture of what it looks like for that sin to pop up and for the Father to use it to glorify himself, making grace abound all the more.

I spent most of yesterday struggling under the weight of anger, irrationally, and loneliness. There have been two distinct times previously in this term that I have thought, “I just want to go home. Right now.” This was the third.

The day started well. I had my quiet time, talked to a friend from home, prayed, and then, nothing. That was where the problem started. Lately, I’ve been bored and unmotivated. And as I have learned thoroughly this month, I should not be left alone with my thoughts for long periods of time. It’s an opportunity for the enemy to chime in with his own ideas and thus a quickly descending spiral began.

“Look at how badly you are doing; how much sin is still in your life. And you are supposed to be doing this job? You haven’t even left the house today.”

“But why would you want to anyway? You know what’s waiting for you out there. Don’t you miss being yourself? Wearing your own clothes and walking on the beach and going to coffee shops? Don’t you miss being around people who love you?”

“You can’t get better at this job. No one will help you. No one will teach you.”

“You are useless, you should just go home now. You could have a 9 to 5 job that you are actually good at. You could be with your family. You could go to ch. You could go outside and wear whatever you want and do whatever you want and go to a Study of the Word without being singled out or having to teach.”

“Why do you want to be here anyway?”

“Oh? You are feeling downcast and angry and tired and discouraged? Too bad you are all alone and don’t have anyone you can talk about these things with.”

And at some point, it’s your own voice that you hear saying all of these things instead of his. Makes them seem real and undisputable, even with the part of your spirit in the back of your mind saying, “But it isn’t true!” A bitter cycle of despair, anger, and loneliness. And let me tell you, I am good at being angry. So at some point, all I could think was, “I just want to give up and go home.”

Now comes the redemption. The outpouring of love from a mentor, the scripture, the songs, the prompting of the Spirit that all come together to counteract the lies and are now  working to reshape my mind and heart, pointing it back towards His purpose.

As I was trying to distract myself by continuing my memorization of Romans 8 (almost done!), verse 28 stuck out: “We know that in all things [the Father] works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This left me looking up at my ceiling and saying, “I see what you did there.” And then it goes on for two more verses, “For those [the Father] foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the first born among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.” I have been predestined to be changed. I have been called, justified, and glorified, and then USED to perpetuate His glory through my life. We are not ever promised that we will see the results of it, but in faith, we know that those things are happening.

Then I skipped back to Romans 8:18, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us.” What a promise. A promise made over and over again.

I also found some strange comfort in Paul’s confession in Romans 7:18, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” Yet, he also points out the redemption of that problem in verses 21-25, that through the Son, the Father has redeemed us.

Even when we are wrapped in a body consumed by the desires for sin, “yet our spirit is alive because of righteousness” (Romans 8:10) and “through these, he has given us his very great and precious promises so that we might participate in the divine nature and escape corruption in the world caused by evil desires (II Peter 1: 4).

On top of that, add a conversation with a mentor who gave us some practical ways to renew our downtime with the work of the Father, encouraging songs reminding me of the Father’s love and promises and the hope he has given us all in his Son, and roommates who remind me I’m not doing this alone, and I fail to understand how anyone could discount that the Father had a hand on my bad day. And just think, this was only 1/ 555 day overseas. (Um, did I mention that I am only 105 days away from coming home?)

And that’s not even all of it, just all I can manage to fit into one blog that has already gone on far longer than usual. But I’m ending with a request this time. As I spend time in prayer these last few months, asking Him for guidance, opportunity, and direction, would you please, please pray with me? In a time of discouragement, I need it more than ever. And I seriously believe that if we are all praying for this, more work can be done in this last three and a half months than any other time of my term. Thank you to all of you in advance.